Jesus changed my life for the better. He sent me on a mental health journey and then led me back to church, back to Him. Through him I am happier, I have become a better mom and a better wife. I struggled greatly with my mental health and it affected my whole family. I needed to make a change, so I got the mental help I needed, which changed my entire world view. Becoming mentally healthier opened my eyes. I saw Jesus reaching out so I grasped on to his hand and let him lead my life. Because of him, I am no longer missing out on time with my children, my husband, and my life.
If you told me a year ago that I would be a Christian again, I would’ve called you a liar. Five years ago, I would’ve laughed in your face. I knew who God was, I grew up going between Protestant and Catholic churches, but as life traumas started to collect, I became angry. I blamed God so much I stopped believing, I labeled myself an “atheist”. All of this grew a hole within me. I began to lack a clear direction, just floating through life with no motivation to do anything good for myself.
Six months ago I believe Jesus started to whisper to me. Though I didn’t know it yet, God saw my struggle and he started me on my healing journey. I would wake up, homeschool my kids, dissociate, and go to sleep, repeat. Every day was the same and they were all bleeding together. I couldn’t even describe what was wrong anymore. Eventually I knew my mental health had plummeted and it hadn’t been good for a long time.
“I think I need therapy.” I told my husband. Once I started, I could instantly tell things were going to get better. I was finally on the right track. As the days started to feel lighter, it became easier to hear the Lord— his whisper became a full-on call. He was leading me back to him.
“I want us to be a religious household,” I admitted to my husband. That same week I bought a bible at our local bookstore and opened it up. The very first verse I read was this:
“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions. It is by grace you have been saved.” — Ephesians 2:4–5
I couldn’t ignore it anymore, I bought some clothes I could appropriately wear to church and attended my first Mass.
The first Mass I went to felt like a taste of heaven. From the beautiful ambiance of the church to the peaceful stillness that stayed with me throughout the day, I couldn’t get enough. It felt like home. I knew exactly where I wanted to spend every Sunday— right there in the pews worshiping Jesus. After I walked out of Mass I felt the weight of my trauma lift, even if only slightly. I needed more of God. I needed more healing.
After a few weeks of attending Mass, and a few months of therapy I began to see more clearly where I was struggling. I wasn’t being the best mom or wife I could be. I came across a verse that helped me understand what I was missing as a mother:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.”— 1 Corinthians 13:4—5.
It made me reflect on my patience, my anger, and the way I showed up for my children. My children would constantly ask, “Mommy, can you play with us today?”, “Mommy, can you watch a movie with us?” And I would reply with a passive “we’ll see,” but never really following through. I was missing out on precious moments in my children’s lives. They missed me, and I missed them.
But the Lord heard us and because of him, I have become more patient, more present, and more understanding.
On the other hand, before my mental health journey and before Christ, my husband and I constantly argued, we didn’t spend as much time together (by a lot), and our communication wasn’t where it needed to be.I also struggled with trust because of trauma, even though my husband gave me no reason not to.
This verse from proverbs was beautiful and it painted a picture in my head of what a wife should be:
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing in value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” - Proverbs 31:10-12
It helped me reflect on how I wanted to show up in my marriage: present, steady, and trustworthy. I wanted my husband to have full confidence in me, and I wanted to be emotionally present for him and our home.
Mass has given us more time together and more things to talk about. Every Sunday after Mass we discuss what we thought, and how it made us feel. I have also been more open to talking to him about my internal struggles and how it has affected my trust.
Our marriage has begun to strengthen through this journey and I am so grateful for the second chance the Lord gave me.
Even with all the good days, there are still days that are difficult for me. There are still days when I mess up and yell, and go back to isolating myself. I didn’t become “perfect” because I got my mental health in check and found God, but now I have the right tools to recognize those moments, pray on it, talk about it, and get myself out of it.
I would like to end things in a prayer; Dear Heavenly Father, I pray this post finds a mom or a wife in need, in need of you Lord. I pray you guide her to you just like you did with me. I pray you bring her the peace she needs through your love and remind her she is not alone. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.